There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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