I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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