The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
