hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize