If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
