After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
