sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize