He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
