dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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