I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize