P.S. I can't hear my feet
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
