True but thats because hes a fetus.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
