he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
