why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
