My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
