Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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