how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
