So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
