i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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