she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
