nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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