yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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