After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
