I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
There's always time for handjobs
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
