you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
