M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
