she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
