Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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