I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
