the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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