we have pet lesbian snakes
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
