just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
