ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
