Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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