Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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