Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
