I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
