I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
