if you like me you must not know who I am
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
