Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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