there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
