I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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