if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
