There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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