I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
