i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
