i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Need sex. Gaining weight.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
