the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
