yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize