My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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