I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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