New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
