Your mouth is God's brothel.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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