So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
