the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize