Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize