If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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