she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
