Someone shit on the floor
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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