take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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