I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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