i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
