That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
