How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
