The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm like, not good at living.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
